My Weakness

I must interrupt this regularly scheduled blog report with a very special entry.

I had all intentions on writing this clever little passage entitled “We’re gellin’” since today was the first time the doctor used the “gell” for the ultrasound. And the whole entry was going to be a play on the Dr. Sholl’s “Are you gellin’” advertisement campaign with such statements as “Kandis’ belly is swellin’” and “Even if we knew the baby’s sex we won’t be tellin’”. But after going to Friday night’s church service and have the Word prick my heart like it did, I have been led to go another way with today’s entry.

I feel a great need to talk about one of my biggest struggles throughout the pregnancy and for a lot of years of my life; My battle with guilt and my unwillingness to accept that I have been forgiven for my sins. Through all of my blessings I continue to struggle with myself about this baby. And there’s this tendency for me to believe that God will punish me by taking my baby from me because of my past sins. And for those that are reading this, including my wife, I know you’re saying, “God doesn’t work like that.” Believe me, I know what you’re saying, but I must admit that this is a difficult hill to climb.

Why do I continue to do this to myself? Well, the answer was revealed to me tonight… because I am weak. That’s why I must continue to follow the path that the Lord has for me because with him I can be strong. I have received more blessings than one man can ever ask for and I am grateful. God knows how much I want this child. But there are times that my mind takes me back to those past mischievous, dishonest, wicked, lawless, profanity-laced days that had me in this world ready to throw in the towel. I am alive today by God’s protection only. I know this and acknowledge this. And because I did so much wrong in my life, I occasionally get the feeling that God will punish me….As stupid as I KNOW that sounds (since He has forgiven me and His Word says that there is no condemnation) my weakness allows my mind to drift to that place.

That’s why through all of the excitement of going to the doctor to see the baby today, a thought came into my mind, “Is the baby alright? Will God use this opportunity to punish me?” And you may ask yourself, “Why would God take your baby’s life as punishment?” Because I took a baby’s life that was given to me.

Years ago I was in a relationship with a young lady who was very ill. In fact, she had cancer. The doctor told her that “unbelievably” there was a window of opportunity for her to have a baby if she got pregnant right away because once she began the chemotherapy the baby would die. We were not married, but we decided to…. She became pregnant and we kept the pregnancy a secret from our parents. We considered it a miracle because when we met she was sick, and all of a sudden she was well enough to have a baby. What a “window of opportunity”.

A short time after the pregnancy, the doctors then informed us that she must resume chemotherapy. This meant a termination of the pregnancy. I didn’t consider that God provided this baby and the He can say, “Yes” when the doctors say, “No”. So I convinced her to have an abortion. I can vividly remember the days surrounding the event and my attitude toward the whole ordeal. I was truly a sinner living an unsaved life. My language, my lifestyle, in fact my life took a serious turn after that. Within the year the young lady was taken by the disease and my reaction was pure hate toward God. I spent the next five years in what I call “The Miseducation of Bobby Taylor”. To make a long story short(er) I eventually escaped all death traps, promiscuousness, nervous breakdowns, strip clubs, violent outbursts, “Freaknics”, and a brief stint with alcohol and returned home. It still took me a few more years to find out about Jesus and His saving grace and mercy, but I did.

In the past I’ve doubted God’s plan for my life and I’ve tried to do things my way. It has been over six years of following God’s path that has led me to this point; More blessings than I have ever had before, a loving wife, and now a baby.

I know that I have a weakness. I don’t want to believe that God will punish me that way. So I will continue to pray for strength. And I want anyone and everyone who reads this to pray for me too.

The End of the First "Trial"-mester

Three months down and six more to go…Or I can say, “One down and two to go”. Either way, tomorrow marks the end of the first trimester (what I now call the first “trial”- mester). I can’t say that it was too hard, but I’m glad that it’s over. Each day brings us one day closer to parenthood, and all of my reading labeled the first “trial”- mester as the most important.

And we did it.

We go to the doctor again tomorrow and I’m really excited about seeing the new pictures. The baby is now about 3 inches long and weighs just about an ounce. Kandis’ sickness may be because the baby is now starting to urinate out the amniotic fluid he or she has been swallowing. Furthermore, the basic structures of all the organs are in place and beginning to function. ( I read a lot )

And through it all, the baby will be a blend of me and Kandis.

I’m so excited.
How can you not be excited about the whole process?

Too Sick

O.K. I know that I am not pregnant. Kandis is pregnant. I know that women go through a lot of changes during pregnancy. But what should the man do while his wife is going through the sick days. Morning sickness has reared its ugly head and it has taken over OUR lives.

Kandis is handling the sickness, dare I say, better than me at time. Each morning I hear my wife “yacking” in the bathroom. I must admit that it’s a little…for lack of better word…disturbing. What can I do? I can’t stop her from taking part in her daily “vomitfest”. I can only suggest that maybe; just maybe, her morning sickness is in her mind. I know it happens, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. To be honest I don’t like it at all.

To watch her on the couch being too sick to do anything is an experience for ME. I mean she is too sick to work, too sick for school, too sick for church service, too sick to eat (Since she gives back what she eats anyway) and too sick for my liking. But WE knew that this could happen. Morning sickness. And I thought that this only occurred at the beginning of the day and at the beginning of the pregnancy only. I guess I was wrong. Morning sickness can happen for the rest of the pregnancy, all day, every day.

I just hope that I don’t become too sick of Kandis being too sick because I don't think two sick being too sick will be too good.

I've Been Thinking

Today I feel a great need to document my feelings. I am literally going out of my mind about our baby. Everyday I think about how our lives are going to change. Today I realized that not only will Kandis and I change, but everyone around us. Our parents, siblings, family members, friends, church members, and co-workers will experience this child being in our lives. We will no longer look at life the same again. I’m already looking at life differently. I just look at kids now and think, “Their parents are so blessed.” To have a child is such a blessing.

It really is mind blowing when I think about it because I want sooooooo much for my child. It’s so hard to explain, but I think about my child all day. I think about everything from feeding the child to dressing the child to taking the child to his or her first doctor’s appointment. I think about when the baby gets sick. (I’m not naïve to the fact that babies get sick) I think about school, I think about family trips and holidays. I think about going to concerts, extra-curricular activities in school and being a member of the PTO. I think about the baby’s first tooth, the first words, the first steps, and the first up the back boo boo.

But if I can be honest, I really think about how I can prevent my child from being spoiled. I already know that I am going to give my child everything that I can. And I know of other family members and friends that are eager to provide a lot. So it makes me wonder, “How do I prevent my child from being spoiled rotten?”
It’s going to be hard, but unfortunately Kandis and I will have to learn to say, “No”. “No” to our baby, “No” to our family, “No” to our friends, and “No” to ourselves. I believe it is for the best. Years from now when the baby is old enough to read this journal he or she will be able to see that there was a lot of thought put into how we raised him or her. Everything will be done out of love. From spankings to punishments to required instrument practice to the frequent “No”.