My Weakness
I must interrupt this regularly scheduled blog report with a very special entry.
I had all intentions on writing this clever little passage entitled “We’re gellin’” since today was the first time the doctor used the “gell” for the ultrasound. And the whole entry was going to be a play on the Dr. Sholl’s “Are you gellin’” advertisement campaign with such statements as “Kandis’ belly is swellin’” and “Even if we knew the baby’s sex we won’t be tellin’”. But after going to Friday night’s church service and have the Word prick my heart like it did, I have been led to go another way with today’s entry.
I feel a great need to talk about one of my biggest struggles throughout the pregnancy and for a lot of years of my life; My battle with guilt and my unwillingness to accept that I have been forgiven for my sins. Through all of my blessings I continue to struggle with myself about this baby. And there’s this tendency for me to believe that God will punish me by taking my baby from me because of my past sins. And for those that are reading this, including my wife, I know you’re saying, “God doesn’t work like that.” Believe me, I know what you’re saying, but I must admit that this is a difficult hill to climb.
Why do I continue to do this to myself? Well, the answer was revealed to me tonight… because I am weak. That’s why I must continue to follow the path that the Lord has for me because with him I can be strong. I have received more blessings than one man can ever ask for and I am grateful. God knows how much I want this child. But there are times that my mind takes me back to those past mischievous, dishonest, wicked, lawless, profanity-laced days that had me in this world ready to throw in the towel. I am alive today by God’s protection only. I know this and acknowledge this. And because I did so much wrong in my life, I occasionally get the feeling that God will punish me….As stupid as I KNOW that sounds (since He has forgiven me and His Word says that there is no condemnation) my weakness allows my mind to drift to that place.
That’s why through all of the excitement of going to the doctor to see the baby today, a thought came into my mind, “Is the baby alright? Will God use this opportunity to punish me?” And you may ask yourself, “Why would God take your baby’s life as punishment?” Because I took a baby’s life that was given to me.
Years ago I was in a relationship with a young lady who was very ill. In fact, she had cancer. The doctor told her that “unbelievably” there was a window of opportunity for her to have a baby if she got pregnant right away because once she began the chemotherapy the baby would die. We were not married, but we decided to…. She became pregnant and we kept the pregnancy a secret from our parents. We considered it a miracle because when we met she was sick, and all of a sudden she was well enough to have a baby. What a “window of opportunity”.
A short time after the pregnancy, the doctors then informed us that she must resume chemotherapy. This meant a termination of the pregnancy. I didn’t consider that God provided this baby and the He can say, “Yes” when the doctors say, “No”. So I convinced her to have an abortion. I can vividly remember the days surrounding the event and my attitude toward the whole ordeal. I was truly a sinner living an unsaved life. My language, my lifestyle, in fact my life took a serious turn after that. Within the year the young lady was taken by the disease and my reaction was pure hate toward God. I spent the next five years in what I call “The Miseducation of Bobby Taylor”. To make a long story short(er) I eventually escaped all death traps, promiscuousness, nervous breakdowns, strip clubs, violent outbursts, “Freaknics”, and a brief stint with alcohol and returned home. It still took me a few more years to find out about Jesus and His saving grace and mercy, but I did.
In the past I’ve doubted God’s plan for my life and I’ve tried to do things my way. It has been over six years of following God’s path that has led me to this point; More blessings than I have ever had before, a loving wife, and now a baby.
I know that I have a weakness. I don’t want to believe that God will punish me that way. So I will continue to pray for strength. And I want anyone and everyone who reads this to pray for me too.
I had all intentions on writing this clever little passage entitled “We’re gellin’” since today was the first time the doctor used the “gell” for the ultrasound. And the whole entry was going to be a play on the Dr. Sholl’s “Are you gellin’” advertisement campaign with such statements as “Kandis’ belly is swellin’” and “Even if we knew the baby’s sex we won’t be tellin’”. But after going to Friday night’s church service and have the Word prick my heart like it did, I have been led to go another way with today’s entry.
I feel a great need to talk about one of my biggest struggles throughout the pregnancy and for a lot of years of my life; My battle with guilt and my unwillingness to accept that I have been forgiven for my sins. Through all of my blessings I continue to struggle with myself about this baby. And there’s this tendency for me to believe that God will punish me by taking my baby from me because of my past sins. And for those that are reading this, including my wife, I know you’re saying, “God doesn’t work like that.” Believe me, I know what you’re saying, but I must admit that this is a difficult hill to climb.
Why do I continue to do this to myself? Well, the answer was revealed to me tonight… because I am weak. That’s why I must continue to follow the path that the Lord has for me because with him I can be strong. I have received more blessings than one man can ever ask for and I am grateful. God knows how much I want this child. But there are times that my mind takes me back to those past mischievous, dishonest, wicked, lawless, profanity-laced days that had me in this world ready to throw in the towel. I am alive today by God’s protection only. I know this and acknowledge this. And because I did so much wrong in my life, I occasionally get the feeling that God will punish me….As stupid as I KNOW that sounds (since He has forgiven me and His Word says that there is no condemnation) my weakness allows my mind to drift to that place.
That’s why through all of the excitement of going to the doctor to see the baby today, a thought came into my mind, “Is the baby alright? Will God use this opportunity to punish me?” And you may ask yourself, “Why would God take your baby’s life as punishment?” Because I took a baby’s life that was given to me.
Years ago I was in a relationship with a young lady who was very ill. In fact, she had cancer. The doctor told her that “unbelievably” there was a window of opportunity for her to have a baby if she got pregnant right away because once she began the chemotherapy the baby would die. We were not married, but we decided to…. She became pregnant and we kept the pregnancy a secret from our parents. We considered it a miracle because when we met she was sick, and all of a sudden she was well enough to have a baby. What a “window of opportunity”.
A short time after the pregnancy, the doctors then informed us that she must resume chemotherapy. This meant a termination of the pregnancy. I didn’t consider that God provided this baby and the He can say, “Yes” when the doctors say, “No”. So I convinced her to have an abortion. I can vividly remember the days surrounding the event and my attitude toward the whole ordeal. I was truly a sinner living an unsaved life. My language, my lifestyle, in fact my life took a serious turn after that. Within the year the young lady was taken by the disease and my reaction was pure hate toward God. I spent the next five years in what I call “The Miseducation of Bobby Taylor”. To make a long story short(er) I eventually escaped all death traps, promiscuousness, nervous breakdowns, strip clubs, violent outbursts, “Freaknics”, and a brief stint with alcohol and returned home. It still took me a few more years to find out about Jesus and His saving grace and mercy, but I did.
In the past I’ve doubted God’s plan for my life and I’ve tried to do things my way. It has been over six years of following God’s path that has led me to this point; More blessings than I have ever had before, a loving wife, and now a baby.
I know that I have a weakness. I don’t want to believe that God will punish me that way. So I will continue to pray for strength. And I want anyone and everyone who reads this to pray for me too.
posted by Bobby Taylor at
8:51 AM
1 Comments:
Sometimes I think that it's easier for God to forgive us than it is for us to forgive ourselves.
By
Anonymous, at 5:19 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home